What do you do with a MA in Literature?

As my impending graduation comes closer and closer I am for the first time trying to be realistic about the education I have received. I know it's a bit late for an epiphany.  People say all the time, all education is good; I beg to differ. 

I am looking at a Pikes Peak size mound of debt and very limited career options.

When I first started out there was no doubt in my mind I wanted to be a teacher.  I  romanticized the idea of helping kids achieve their dreams and playing an important role in the community.  The reality is much different.  As I put in my years as an educator I am realizing I may not be cut out for the role public school asks me to play.  I am a problem solver not a sit around the table problem discuss-er.  I love being a teacher I just wish it was more about teaching and less about committees, meetings and juggling the juvenile ways of co-workers.

But then I look at my student loan bill and all I have invested into becoming the best teacher I can be and find it hard to justify any other career option. (Even though there are some retail jobs out there I am sure that pay more...)

I am still trying to figure out where the heck I fit in, in this adult world where, by my age, I am supposed to have all the answers and everything figured out by now. 

Trying to hunt down that perfect job.  The one that fits like a glove. 

But I think my education and experience had pigeon holed me into a niche which is now a bit suffocating.  Did I just invest enough money to buy a small house into an education which will get me no where but where I am already at? 

It should be illegal for colleges and universities to allow students to major in dumb things.  I mean we are young and foolish and we all think we are going to grown up and be rich and famous or maybe just rich and we take leaps for the big stars just to realize that if that leap doesn’t work, the options are we left with are nil. 

In the prolific words of one of my favorites, Mr. Baz Luhrmann “ The most interesting people didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t”. 

Guess I will just need to settle for being interesting for now. 

Positivity: All it's cracked up to be?

All the talk about positivity and being a positive person is it all bunk?  I am and continue to be (with the exception of a few days...ok maybe more than a few but less than most) a positive person.  I accept apologies and give second, third, fourth and so on... chances even when I know better.  I am even nice to those who are awful to me because I was taught to “take the high road”.

I am be no means a saint.  I get nasty like everyone else. And like everyone else I sometimes don’t feel sorry for being mean.  But most who know me will attest to that being a rarity. 

Why is it there are someone people who have been able to carve out an existence where they get to be the one we all tip toe around?  We all know one, work with one or some how come into contact with one.  These people are the ones that treat people like doggie do do and for some reason it’s okay. 

Often being excused with the phrase, “it’s just the way they are”. 

If it isn’t okay for me to act and treat people this way, how do these people get everyone else to walk on eggshells?

My positivity seems to attract those who are used to people walking on this said “eggshell” and they like to keep reminding how special they are and how they are exempt from the rules of kindness and human decency. 

I guess the real question here is, if positivity attracts positivity, where the hell are the my positive life friends? Or co-workers? Or random people on the street? 

I smile even as I write this, in hope that today will be the change I have been waiting for.  When the world moves a little bit in my direction but knowing I will wake up tomorrow with the same smile even if it isn’t.  I am not so sure that positivity attracts positivity and I definitely haven't seen much evidence of it. 

I have contemplated even trying out this new attitude that seems to work for others and tried to see if I can get the eggshells to lay down at my feet but I just don’t have what it takes to be that oblivious the those around me. 

So, here’s to another day of positivity.  I will smile and continue through my day oblivious to the load of bunk I have been privy to lately in hopes that I will attract positivity (maybe I just haven’t done it enough?) But if the day ends like it has been lately at least I have the hope of a new day and maybe a do over.

And I know I will never let these people see me cry, these jerks get the smile.

Standard? A tale of a boy

As a teacher I understand the need for rules and standard operating procedures for the way things should work. But as a mother of a child who is not “standard”  I know how hard these procedures make his life. 

He is a soon to be teenage boy whose sensitivity still rules his life.  He cries in sad parts of movies and he never wants to hurt anything.  Yet, he fights the daily fight and the societal pressures of having to a “man”.  Something I can not even begin to tell him what that actually means, except of course, crying is out. 

He thinks “outside of the box” all the time.  In fact, to get this kid in a box would take an apocalyptic force of nature.  In some cases this makes the easy things hard for him because he complicates them with some crazy invention or need to make it big and more complicated.  But his creativity is so abundant and his stories incredibly imaginative.  It makes hearing his take on the days events and event in it self.  It makes having simple conversations hysterical and fun.  So much so often we get off track and forget to solve the issue at hand.  His teachers find this frustrating and ask me to get a handle on this.

He loves with all his heart.  His dog. His friends and especially his family. He doesn’t ignore our faults but rather loves everyone anyway.  Most of the time he finds away to use your fault as something positive.  He likes that I can’t cook very well because that means he can have chicken nuggets again for dinner and that is just fine by him. But he gets his feelings hurt so easy because he is so ready to give.

He lives his life in a constant cloud of frustration. 

He can’t seem to find his stride in the world of unwritten rules and regulations.  In a world where people don’t have the time to stop and understand him.  In a world that sees him as a burden on their time, instead of a chance to understand something different. 

How does one explain, even if people don’t want it, you still have something to offer? How does one help show someone they are not the burden, rather those without an open mind are?  How can one help find a someone a place in a world which has met him with so much judgement and rejection at such a young age?

In a world of rules and regulations, procedures and paperwork, is there room for someone who sees no need for any of it and just lives life with an open heart and incredible stories?

Time to get what I pay for

As adults we are held to a specific standard.  We are expected to pay bills, show up to work, complete our work  assignments and even life goals, on time.  There are consequences if we don’t, some of these consequences can be detrimental.   Some can prevent us from being able to do other things. 

So why is it that when we as consumers demand that same standard from people to whom we pay money it seems there is a different expectation.  As consumers we are told we must hold up to contracts and agreements, yet the company has no obligation to provide us with decent customer service or even service at all.

Not kidding.

I was livid to find out my cell phone provider is under no obligation to deliver me cell phone service.  Then what am I paying for?  I don’t have service where I live, they can not provide me service where I live, no other cell phone company can provide service where I live but I am still obligated to pay my contract...on time.

Another service provider has taken over three weeks and rescheduled installation five times (without calling ahead of time so I actually had to wait the entirety of the 4 hour installation window each time) and when I called to complain and cancel the service they told me I was obligated to pay a cancellation fee.  Yep they wanted to charge me money for being dissatisfied with their service... and they wanted their money right then.  Never mind they had already charged me a two hundred and fifty dollar installation fee for an installation that hadn’t happened.   Which they said they would refund me but it would take up to three months.

Really?

Can I take up to three months to pay my bill?  Can I not show up to work and then charge my employer a “firing fee”?

When does the service provider take some responsibility for holding up to their obligations.  It is  ludicrous to be obligated for a service the service provider can no longer provide.  Where is the honesty in that?

The way I see it, it is about time the burden of keeping clients or customers should be on the merit of the company and their service not because they strong arm the consumer to hold up to a contract that fails to hold the company responsible for even providing a service.

Picking my battle

So I am learning quickly people are not what they seem.  

Yes, I am just figuring this out.  

I know I am too old not to know this by now but I always figure people are good at heart they just need a chance to show it. I am learning and to my pessimistic friends chagrin (feel the sarcasm), when it comes to people they are right on. 

People are not good at heart.

This was one pass worth of dirt caked inside the cabinets.

I guess it comes from the nature of the human.  At the core of our instincts we take care of ourself first and then our family or our pack, screw everyone else who is in the way.  

I subscribe to a very different mind set but lately it has not served me well.  I have been walked over and treated badly and drug through the mud, for what seems to be mostly for the sport of it, by these people who always hide behind the idea they are taking care of themselves and theirs and they do so by kicking the nice guy.

What ever happened to helping a brother out? What happened to paying it forward?  What happened to doing the right thing because it was the "right thing" to do?  Why is it people still subscribe to the mentality that this is a kill or be killed style society?  We are long past the days where this mind set applies.  Just think, if we all spent more time holding ourselves accountable for our actions we would spend a lot less time in court fighting over who's fault it is.  I have to believe those who are wrong know they are wrong, they are just trying to get away with something.

This is the trash that was left for me when I
 moved in, yep just sitting on the floor.

And sometimes they do.

That's the real shame of it.  There is a benefit for being a jerk.  A benefit for getting one over on someone else and there are people who feel good about it. (I feel bad if the checker forgets to charge me for something at the store and have been known for going back in so I could pay for it).  So those who get enjoyment out of pulling one over on someone else really cause me to stand back and ponder.  

I made the mistake of moving a carpet, this was
what was underneath.

As I settle into what is the inevitable fight with my current landlord, I wonder why he is choosing to fight this with me.  He has to know in his heart of hearts that he did not do what he was supposed to do.  He has to know I shouldn't be responsible to live with his mistakes and he should know the right thing to do to make the situation better would be to fix the problems the right way or to let me out of the lease and he can visit the place in the summer and live in it any way he wants, plumbing and electrical issues and all.  But no he insists on making me live through this mess. 

This was the mess on the floor that was
left in just part of the bathroom.

The courts will have their say but the part that makes me uneasy is that I could quite possibly lose.  I could possibly be told not that he wasn't right in doing what he did but that in my case the law may not protect me.  And through no real fault of my own, except I refuse to pay good money to not live in a clean and healthy environment, I could possibly have to pay this man lots of money for not wanting to put up with being treated like crap.   Sending him the message that not only can he not take care of his rental property but then he can also treat people like crap and when they stick to their guns and say this is not ok, he can still profit.  

I am hoping of course the opposite message is sent but either way, I am sticking to my guns.  This time I'm not playing. I picked my battle win or lose, when it comes to this  there is no more Mr. nice guy...er...gal.

All the personal belongings they left me, well not
 all just what was on this desk ..in one room.

What's in a name?

In a small town, similar to an episode of cheers, everybody knows your name.  Everyone knows what you do for a living and who your kids are and they refer to where you live by who has lived there before you not by the address.  But it is official my kids have earned little monikers from the locals.

My son is "the reader".  He walks to school in the mornings always book in hand and as his name would suggest, he is reading it.  He walks and reads. Sometimes not always successfully, but none the less he is "the reader".  He takes his book to restaurants and on the ferry and sometimes he even gets yelled at by a teacher for reading in class when he is suppose to be listening to something else.

My daughter is the "sweet girl".  She earned her name just the other day.  She was waiting in line for her breakfast at the cafe and an older gentleman was waiting behind her.  When she got to the counter and it was her turn to order, she noticed the man behind her and allowed him to go in front of her.  This in and of itself was not a huge feat but to that man it made all the difference.  After ordering he went around telling everyone in the cafe about the "sweet little girl"and went out of his way to tell me how lucky I am to have her.

The next day at the same cafe I ran into a parent of one of my students and she looked at me said, " oh I know who your kids are, your kids are the reader and the sweet little girl".  I smiled and shook my head and said, "Yes, yes they are".

Today was a gray day

Fall has come to Maine quick and without looking back or apology has changed the days from sunny warm beach days to foggy gray breezy days.  Here it's already sweater weather and rain boots are a must.  The nights already have the nip that have us wearing sweat pants under blankets on the couch and requesting hot chocolate and marshmallows while we watch our favorite shows.  I turned on my heater for the first time last night and settled under the cover of my down blanket to get warm.

This morning it was sunny but still cold.  We walked to the market to pick up our weekly groceries and so my children could spend their allowance and it was the perfect weather for a light coat and a long walk.

The evening fog has already started to settle in here at about 3:00 in the afternoon but I realized something as I watched it come over the ocean to my front door...we will be having soup for dinner.

Well that and something else.  

I like the gray day.  It makes me feel guilt free for spending the day inside.   While I am inside  I can bake.  Today it was the kids' favorite, chocolate chip muffins.  I like how the oven warms the house and fills it with the sweet smell of something yummy.  I like having an excuse to sit on the couch and read a magazine with my feet up for at least 20 minutes while the baking is happening.  I like the less chaotic atmosphere of a lazy day that seem to be brought about by fog and chilly weather.

The house is quieter.  The animals less hyper.  The children more content.  The mom more relaxed all under the aroma of chocolate chip muffins!

I have been warned about these gray days by many people, saying they have a tendency to bring on bouts of depression.  And although I can see where they are coming from I like the effect they have on my family.

Tonight we will snuggle in for some potato soup, some sweat pants and warm blankets and a good movie together, and for the first time since we got here, we will have some relaxing family time that doesn't involve leaving the house or breaking the bank.

Today has brought my family some peace and for that I say bring on the gray days and let all gray days be days like today.