Game over.

I will be back in Colorado on Friday and although I am beside myself with excitement to be amongst those I love and hold dear, I am a little apprehensive.  I find the saying, “the more things change, the more they stay the same” to be a very fitting figure of speech in this case.  I don’t want to walk back into the pool of dysfunction and bad mojo I fled 3,000 miles to get away from…granted I ended up in a pool just as large and just as deep (I am sure there is a blog forming here).  But my point, why do people find it so hard to change?

I feel like I change a little bit every day.  Something always makes me stop, think, cogitate and reflect.  Sometimes I find my actions surprising and vow to never again handle a situation that way.  Sometimes this reflection happens in seconds prompting me to rectify or intervene in a situation almost instantly.  Sometimes it takes weeks before I realize my part of a situation and how I was an active participant in the way the big picture played out, even though I may not realize it at the time.   But everyday, something about me changes because something moves me, even if it is just ever so slightly.

Maybe it is because I am emotional.  It isn’t hard for me to connect to things I feel emotionally about and to be honest that is so many things.  But so many are affected emotionally by things but only for a minute.  Never grasping their part in the situation, never realizing how they can help make things better or even just acknowledge their part in a situation.  Why is it people would rather be mad or irritated at one another rather than work to make things better? Or why is it more important to screw someone rather than make it work for the betterment of a third party?

Is it too much work?  Or is work in general not a word anyone wants to hear unless they are receiving a check at the end of the day? 

My journey of the past few months has opened my eyes to many things; one, I need to get my bitchy side back but only for certain people, and two, and more, importantly the most important things to work at have nothing to do with what I do for a living.  Relationships with people are worth the work it takes. 

It is not enough to say you are willing to move mountains or they mean the world to you, I must actually move the mountain, they must be my world.  Even though some people in my life refuse to change, refuse to set aside the difference that put us at odds I have decided to no longer help them.  I am laying down my king and letting them win this game.  Let’s start over; let’s start a new game.  Let’s make this one, one that is mutually beneficial.  

Things that only happen to Lisa: pilot episode

My time here is slowly coming to an end and although I am a little irritated at the bill this adventure has racked up and the fact it didn’t go anywhere near close to plan (I thought I’d retire in Maine) I am wondering what I will blog about now...On the suggestion of a friend I’ve decided to share what I fondly refer to “things that only happen to Lisa”.

I seem to have this ability to attract people who say and do the weirdest things to me or around me.  During this phenomenon, people feel free to share with me, a perfect stranger, their thoughts and feeling about whatever I am doing at the time, rarely does it ever have anything to do with them. 

For example, when I was pregnant with my son I had a lady in a Walmart blow up at me about how she is sick and tired of pregnant teenagers living off the system, implying of course I was one of “those” woman...to her surprise I politely corrected her.  I was neither a teenager nor was I “living off the system” as my husband at the time made pretty good money, good enough for me to be a stay at home mom. 

She never apologized, just walked away, almost blaming me for not fitting into the stereo-type she had already boxed me into.

Or just last year while I was out Christmas shopping with my mother and I decided to buy something at the jewelry counter.  The lady behind the counter, who knew my mother, asked me if I had my mother’s permission to put my purchase on her credit card. 

I looked at her funny and said, “No I have my own I will be using, thanks”. 

She looked at me hard and then said, “ It was sure nice of your mother to get you a card to her account”. 

I laughed.  I am used to this.  The case of the mistaken age. 

I handed her my card, smiled and said, “My mother is nice but this is my very own card”.  She looked confused. 

Then my 11 year old son walked up to me and said something that started with the words “Mom, can I...” and she just about died.

“Is that your son”, she asked. 
“Yep” I replied
“How old are you”, she pried

I laughed and told her my age.  She looked like I had just kicked her dog.  She tells me she thought I was the ripe old age of 17 (almost that many year off) and that she thought my son was my brother and all this time she thought my mother was only in her 40’s.  I like that we look young but I think I am the only person who gets asked if I have my mother’s permission to use a credit card at my age.

These stories are what make my life uniquely mine.  Sometimes they are just plain funny and sometimes they make me angry.  But I have so many of them. Most to do with mistaken age but I guess I can’t blame them though, I still use the same picture on my driver’s license that was taken when I was 18 and I can’t say I look much different, but mostly it has to do with snap judgements people make about me and then care to share.  So for your enjoyment I too will care to share.

Moving on

I am missing something.

I am sure I am missing something that allows others to find a certain stride in life that gets them from day to day with little concern.

I am searching for it actively.

I keep starting over in hopes in my purge of old clothes and used items I will get rid of my bad luck talisman and I will find my stride.

But today, as I face with the possibility of starting over yet again, this time with far less than I have had in the past, I am grateful for just the ability to do so. It seems I have been blessed with the ability to get out of situations and move on.  Sometimes I see this as a pain as I seem to have these situations more frequently than I would like.  But when I stand back and take a real good look at it, I realize how lucky I really am.

I get out.  I move on. I still get to search out my happiness.

The lesson I have learned not a moment too soon is being happy will always be a search and the ability to be able to keep on until it is found is an ability not everyone has.  The frustration of always being in search of the missing pieces gets to me and sometimes I feel as though the wild goose chase will continue forever but I have realized being able to chase is the blessing I may have been over looking for all these years.

Yes, one can say that my search for occupational happiness has eluded me, but one can also say I have had great opportunities and realized my dreams are far more vast than I had ever thought.  Some may look at me and say I am without a life long love, but I would prefer to believe I have been blessed with the ability to explore my world so when I find a love I will have the knowledge to know what it is.  Some may say I have been adrift, I say I am paving a life and just because my path doesn't go in a straight line doesn't mean I am not sure where I am going, but rather that I have decided to not miss out on all the other parts of my life along the way.

I have known people who have gotten stuck and masked that with the idea they are "stable".  I have been able to move on.  Move forward.  I am lucky I have had so many opportunities and I hope to have more as I continue to move on.

I believe life isn't what I expected but sometimes that is the blessing I loose sight of.

What do you do with a MA in Literature?

As my impending graduation comes closer and closer I am for the first time trying to be realistic about the education I have received. I know it's a bit late for an epiphany.  People say all the time, all education is good; I beg to differ. 

I am looking at a Pikes Peak size mound of debt and very limited career options.

When I first started out there was no doubt in my mind I wanted to be a teacher.  I  romanticized the idea of helping kids achieve their dreams and playing an important role in the community.  The reality is much different.  As I put in my years as an educator I am realizing I may not be cut out for the role public school asks me to play.  I am a problem solver not a sit around the table problem discuss-er.  I love being a teacher I just wish it was more about teaching and less about committees, meetings and juggling the juvenile ways of co-workers.

But then I look at my student loan bill and all I have invested into becoming the best teacher I can be and find it hard to justify any other career option. (Even though there are some retail jobs out there I am sure that pay more...)

I am still trying to figure out where the heck I fit in, in this adult world where, by my age, I am supposed to have all the answers and everything figured out by now. 

Trying to hunt down that perfect job.  The one that fits like a glove. 

But I think my education and experience had pigeon holed me into a niche which is now a bit suffocating.  Did I just invest enough money to buy a small house into an education which will get me no where but where I am already at? 

It should be illegal for colleges and universities to allow students to major in dumb things.  I mean we are young and foolish and we all think we are going to grown up and be rich and famous or maybe just rich and we take leaps for the big stars just to realize that if that leap doesn’t work, the options are we left with are nil. 

In the prolific words of one of my favorites, Mr. Baz Luhrmann “ The most interesting people didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t”. 

Guess I will just need to settle for being interesting for now. 

Positivity: All it's cracked up to be?

All the talk about positivity and being a positive person is it all bunk?  I am and continue to be (with the exception of a few days...ok maybe more than a few but less than most) a positive person.  I accept apologies and give second, third, fourth and so on... chances even when I know better.  I am even nice to those who are awful to me because I was taught to “take the high road”.

I am be no means a saint.  I get nasty like everyone else. And like everyone else I sometimes don’t feel sorry for being mean.  But most who know me will attest to that being a rarity. 

Why is it there are someone people who have been able to carve out an existence where they get to be the one we all tip toe around?  We all know one, work with one or some how come into contact with one.  These people are the ones that treat people like doggie do do and for some reason it’s okay. 

Often being excused with the phrase, “it’s just the way they are”. 

If it isn’t okay for me to act and treat people this way, how do these people get everyone else to walk on eggshells?

My positivity seems to attract those who are used to people walking on this said “eggshell” and they like to keep reminding how special they are and how they are exempt from the rules of kindness and human decency. 

I guess the real question here is, if positivity attracts positivity, where the hell are the my positive life friends? Or co-workers? Or random people on the street? 

I smile even as I write this, in hope that today will be the change I have been waiting for.  When the world moves a little bit in my direction but knowing I will wake up tomorrow with the same smile even if it isn’t.  I am not so sure that positivity attracts positivity and I definitely haven't seen much evidence of it. 

I have contemplated even trying out this new attitude that seems to work for others and tried to see if I can get the eggshells to lay down at my feet but I just don’t have what it takes to be that oblivious the those around me. 

So, here’s to another day of positivity.  I will smile and continue through my day oblivious to the load of bunk I have been privy to lately in hopes that I will attract positivity (maybe I just haven’t done it enough?) But if the day ends like it has been lately at least I have the hope of a new day and maybe a do over.

And I know I will never let these people see me cry, these jerks get the smile.

Standard? A tale of a boy

As a teacher I understand the need for rules and standard operating procedures for the way things should work. But as a mother of a child who is not “standard”  I know how hard these procedures make his life. 

He is a soon to be teenage boy whose sensitivity still rules his life.  He cries in sad parts of movies and he never wants to hurt anything.  Yet, he fights the daily fight and the societal pressures of having to a “man”.  Something I can not even begin to tell him what that actually means, except of course, crying is out. 

He thinks “outside of the box” all the time.  In fact, to get this kid in a box would take an apocalyptic force of nature.  In some cases this makes the easy things hard for him because he complicates them with some crazy invention or need to make it big and more complicated.  But his creativity is so abundant and his stories incredibly imaginative.  It makes hearing his take on the days events and event in it self.  It makes having simple conversations hysterical and fun.  So much so often we get off track and forget to solve the issue at hand.  His teachers find this frustrating and ask me to get a handle on this.

He loves with all his heart.  His dog. His friends and especially his family. He doesn’t ignore our faults but rather loves everyone anyway.  Most of the time he finds away to use your fault as something positive.  He likes that I can’t cook very well because that means he can have chicken nuggets again for dinner and that is just fine by him. But he gets his feelings hurt so easy because he is so ready to give.

He lives his life in a constant cloud of frustration. 

He can’t seem to find his stride in the world of unwritten rules and regulations.  In a world where people don’t have the time to stop and understand him.  In a world that sees him as a burden on their time, instead of a chance to understand something different. 

How does one explain, even if people don’t want it, you still have something to offer? How does one help show someone they are not the burden, rather those without an open mind are?  How can one help find a someone a place in a world which has met him with so much judgement and rejection at such a young age?

In a world of rules and regulations, procedures and paperwork, is there room for someone who sees no need for any of it and just lives life with an open heart and incredible stories?

Time to get what I pay for

As adults we are held to a specific standard.  We are expected to pay bills, show up to work, complete our work  assignments and even life goals, on time.  There are consequences if we don’t, some of these consequences can be detrimental.   Some can prevent us from being able to do other things. 

So why is it that when we as consumers demand that same standard from people to whom we pay money it seems there is a different expectation.  As consumers we are told we must hold up to contracts and agreements, yet the company has no obligation to provide us with decent customer service or even service at all.

Not kidding.

I was livid to find out my cell phone provider is under no obligation to deliver me cell phone service.  Then what am I paying for?  I don’t have service where I live, they can not provide me service where I live, no other cell phone company can provide service where I live but I am still obligated to pay my contract...on time.

Another service provider has taken over three weeks and rescheduled installation five times (without calling ahead of time so I actually had to wait the entirety of the 4 hour installation window each time) and when I called to complain and cancel the service they told me I was obligated to pay a cancellation fee.  Yep they wanted to charge me money for being dissatisfied with their service... and they wanted their money right then.  Never mind they had already charged me a two hundred and fifty dollar installation fee for an installation that hadn’t happened.   Which they said they would refund me but it would take up to three months.

Really?

Can I take up to three months to pay my bill?  Can I not show up to work and then charge my employer a “firing fee”?

When does the service provider take some responsibility for holding up to their obligations.  It is  ludicrous to be obligated for a service the service provider can no longer provide.  Where is the honesty in that?

The way I see it, it is about time the burden of keeping clients or customers should be on the merit of the company and their service not because they strong arm the consumer to hold up to a contract that fails to hold the company responsible for even providing a service.